our rainbow

Well, I have been meaning to post for a while as the last post I wrote was during one of the darkest periods of my life.  Thankfully, that chapter is now closed and Chris and I are so excited to be welcoming our baby girl on March 11, 2015.

I guess I'll start at the beginning...back in June Chris and I visited a fertility doctor.  He was very kind and ran a bunch of tests which all came back normal (thankfully).  However, this left us with the still lingering question of why is this happening?  Unfortunately, there is not much that can be done for couples like us, so he said to just keep trying.  Having the peace of mind that there wasn't something genetically wrong with us was a bit of a relief, but it was still frustrating to not have a real "plan" moving forward.  Well, fast forward two weeks...the morning after my friend Jess' wedding I told Chris I had a feeling I might be pregnant.  That afternoon, for shits and gigs I took a test and what do you know?  Positive.  I was relieved because it had been four months since my last D&C and we hadn't been successful in getting pregnant.  BUT, I was also scared, nervous, and full of dread for what was to come.

The next morning I had blood drawn to measure my HCG levels and then I went back a few days later and then one week later to make sure they were doubling as they should.  Everything looked great so far!  This should have put my mind as ease a bit, but with my history I was a wreck.  Total. wreck. I was so anxious and nervous and was convinced that this would end the way the others did.

Fast forward again and we were able to get an early ultrasound at 6 weeks at the fertility office and we heard the heartbeat for the first time.  I can't even put into words what that sound meant to us.  We've waited so long to hear that beautiful sound and it was as amazing as I had imagined so many times in my dreams.  That bliss lasted about two days and then I went back to being a total anxiety ridden wreck until my 8 week appointment.  I also started feeling sick at six weeks which was zero fun, but did make me feel better because I felt like it was a sign that things were going well.  (I know that is not a scientific fact, but it helped me to believe this at the time!)  A few days before my 8 week appt I began to feel better, so I was sure it was all over.  I prepared Chris and my mom for bad news because I was sure I had miscarried.  At my 8 week appointment Chris and I went to my regular doctor and saw the baby and heartbeat, again!  It was so amazing and exciting and our doctor even showed us some 3d pics which was fun!  I was so relieved to make it to this point because that is the furthest I had ever been.  We went in one more time at 10 weeks for an ultrasound because I was still labeled high-risk and they offered it, so I of course, accepted!  In the next few weeks we told our families and close friends and then had our 12 week appointment and all was well!  Each time I went to the doctor and got to see the baby I started to feel a little more at ease.

Recently, we had our 20 week appointment and found our we are having a baby girl!  I am so excited!!  I already have the nursery all planned out. :)  I just feel so blessed and so so so thankful that we are finally able to experience all of the joys of having a baby.  I still don't understand why we had to go through everything we have the past year, but I don't think I ever will.  At this point, it is behind us and I am just enjoying every day of this pregnancy!!  Thank you to everyone for your positive thoughts and prayers...we have been through one hell of a storm, but we are back now and will have a beautiful baby girl at the end of our rainbow.

xoxo

Let's just hope she keeps that sweet button nose. ;)

Her legs crossed...already a lady!  Knees are on the right and feet on the left. :)  The bright white lines are her bones.

1 in 4

The statistics say one in four women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime.  Well, lucky me.  I am that one in four.  To be honest, it doesn't feel like one in four...it feels like one in a million.

It seems everyone is pregnant.  EVERYONE.  Between work, family, blogs, friends, Facebook, etc. I can name about 12 women who are experiencing healthy pregnancies and more pop up literally every day. If you are one of those people, cherish it.  Don't complain about your stretch marks, wide hips, morning sickness, etc...because I would kill to have any or all of these.

I won't go into a ton of details, because Chris is a private person and I respect his feelings as my husband.  But I feel like I want to share my story so that if people see me and I seem a little "off" they will hopefully be able to understand why...

Back in September Chris and I got our first positive pregnancy test on our 8 year anniversary.  I was SO overjoyed that I called Chris at work hysterically crying and shaking.  We were going to have our family we dreamed about.  Unfortunately that dream was short-lived and on October 1st when we went in for our 8 week ultrasound we found out that the baby had stopped growing at seven weeks.  Shocked and devastated can't even begin to describe how we both felt.  I had a D&C two days later and then I was left to recover physically and worse, emotionally.

We found out I was pregnant again on January 10th.  This time when I found out I cried, but not with happiness.  The fear and doubt from having a miscarriage was definitely present.  This time we only told my mom because I needed emotional support from her and Chris.  We were able to schedule an ultrasound a little bit earlier this time and thankfully my sister had Gage while I waited anxiously for my appointment, so that was a welcomed blessing and distraction.  I had back pain for about four days leading up to my appointment, so I had little hope going into our ultrasound this time.  Sadly, my instincts were right and when we went in at 7 weeks we found out I had miscarried.  I had my second D&C on Friday and am now recovering...again.

I can't even begin to describe how I have been feeling.  Miscarriage and infertility seem to be such a taboo topic and I guess I can see why.  When someone asks me "Do you want children?" or "When are you guys going to have kids?" I feel bad responding with "I wanted kids months ago.  We were/are trying to have kids.  I've had two miscarriages."  I don't want to make anyone else feel awkward or bad, but now that I have experienced not one, but two miscarriages in a row I may start responding that way.  Let me give you a little piece of advice, don't ask people these questions.  You have NO idea what they are going through or struggling with.  On the outside I may look like I'm okay, I've got it together, and I'm moving on.  But inside I have been feeling devastated, broken, frustrated, scared, sad, angry, confused and so many more emotions!

I am terrified to get pregnant again.  It would be so much easier to just stop trying and live my life with Chris and Bauer.  The thought alone of having a third miscarriage literally gives me an anxiety attack.  The problem is, I can't see my life without kid(s). 

Fortunately by chance my first D&C was scheduled with a doctor I had never met and she has turned out to be such a blessing.  She is a wonderful doctor who has been so understanding and proactive.  There are some sources that say recurrent miscarriage should not be diagnosed until you have had three in a row and some say two in a row.  Thankfully, our doctor has diagnosed me with recurrent miscarriage after two.  This has allowed us to move forward with some preliminary testing so that we can *hopefully* get some answers.  However, the statistics say that only about 50% of couples ever find a reason for the miscarriages.

I am cautiously hopeful that one day Chris and I will have our baby.  I now realize and am beginning to accept the fact that the road ahead may be bumpy with a lot of turns, but as of right now I am so determined that come hell or high water we will have our baby.....one day.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother.  She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart throbs."  -Anon

Baby #2

I am so excited about being an aunt again!  I can't wait to meet this little nugget and find out if it is a boy or a girl!  I can't stand the anticipation and I really don't know how Mark and Emily don't find out until the baby is born.  I have to say that it was SO exciting when Mark came out and told us all it was a girl and her name, but I just don't think Chris and I will be able to wait when our time comes.  Scratch that, I'm positive that Chris and I won't be able to wait!  Anyway, back to this babe.  Em and I couldn't seem to catch a break every time we planned to get photos done.  Either it was rainy, her car wouldn't start, or whatever.  So, we ended up taking pics in 30 degree weather in the snow.  What can you do?  Enough talking...here they are.

 

Christmas

Right before Christmas Chris and I went to the Gaylord Hotel for a night.  We just wanted to get away from like for a bit and it was so nice!  The last time we were away at a hotel together, just the two of us, it was our honeymoon!  We were long overdue.

 

Our room was on the 17th floor....yikes.

 

We came back to my parent's house on Christmas Eve.  We got to help Lucy make a gingerbread house which was really fun (except her sticking two candies up her nose...).  Then, we opened gifts.  I suck at getting pictures during these things because I'm too busy enjoying myself! Christmas Eve evening was spent, as always, with the Demeria's!

 She's saying "ho ho ho" here!

Opening her gift from Chris and me!

Getting checked by Grandma with her new doctor kit from Greg and Jen and in her new chair from Grandma and Grandpa!

Lucy making Papa Frank smile!!

Hilarious shirt that Timmy received!

I hope everyone had a great holiday with the ones they love!  Next I'll be posting a few pics of my gorg sis verrry pregnant.  Can't wait to meet the little nugget in a little over a week!!

Dad.

Just heard this song on the CMT channel (Chris watches this all day on his days off!) and I thought immediately of my dad.  This song is literally perfect for him!  So, I thought I would share so you all know how incredible my dad is!  (Even though he can be incredibly OCD about picking things up in the house!)

Strong by Will Hoge

He's a twenty year straight get to work on time
He's a love one woman for all his life
He's a shirt off his back give you his last dime
He's strong

He's a need to move something you can use my truck
He's an overtime worker when the bills pile up
Everybody knows he ain't just tough
He's strong

He'll pick you up and won't let you down
Rock solid inside out
Somebody you can trust
Steady as the sun
Ain't nothing gonna knock him off the road he's rollin on
He's strong

It ain't what he can carry what he can lift
It's a dirt road lesson talkin to his kids
Bout how to hold your ground and how to live
Strong

He's strong

He'll pick you up and won't let you down
Rock solid inside out
Somebody you can trust
Steady as the sun
Ain't nothing gonna knock him off the road he's rollin on
He's strong

Strong
Like the river rollin'
Strong
Gonna keep on going'
Strong
When the road runs out
They gonna keep on talkin about

How he was strong
Strong

He'll pick you up and won't let you down
Rock solid inside out
Somebody you can trust
Steady as the sun
Ain't nothing gonna knock him off the road he's rollin on
He's strong

Everybody knows he ain't just tough
He's strong

Here's the link to the song, too:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HItiJYwAPGQ

odu grad

I am SO proud of my little brother.  I really cannot believe that he is old enough to have graduated college, but alas here we are.

 

 

 

Congratulations, little brother!  Can't wait to celebrate with you in a couple weeks!

christmas photos

So I realize I haven't blogged in a while....okay, it's been like 6-7 months.  My bad!  I just thought I would share a little behind the scenes photos to piggyback on my sister's recent post about Christmas photos!  Lucy is a tough subject for photos.  Not only does she frown when you tell her to smile, turn around when you tell her to look at the camera, but when she actually looks at the camera she is just like her daddy and blinks 9/10 times! Now, I am no professional so maybe the pros are better at getting good photos...  Either way, enjoy some of these "bloopers" below.

This is one of the "smile" faces.

Here she is showing me a rock...makes for a great Christmas photo.

 

Running like a crazy person.

 

Picking up everything in sight including a leaf, poky thing, and stick.

And here is where she took said stick and came up to me (with the camera) and said BOOP BOOP BOOP on the camera lens.

Now of course she didn't want to take any pics of just herself, but then Chris and I went to get a couple of pictures for our Christmas card and someone just had to be in it...

But in all seriousness, Lucy truly is such a blessing to Chris and me.  We've had a rough go of it this fall and Lucy has helped to fill a void we have been feeling.  She always surprises us with her little comments and expressions and we absolutely love her!  Can't wait to meet her little sibling so soon.

A few happenings...

So, I am on the job hunt again.  I've currently applied to 18 schools in one county.  Geeeez...I am really crossing my fingers about being in Richmond next year.  After the past few weeks I have realized there is NO way I can do this commuting next year.  So, I'm just wishing, and hoping, and thinking, and praying and planning, and dreaming... (Name that song.)

A couple of pics from the past few months:

Easter!

Marine Museum at Quantico with Auntie Kitty and Uncle Lee. (Grandma's sister)