1 in 4

The statistics say one in four women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime.  Well, lucky me.  I am that one in four.  To be honest, it doesn't feel like one in four...it feels like one in a million.

It seems everyone is pregnant.  EVERYONE.  Between work, family, blogs, friends, Facebook, etc. I can name about 12 women who are experiencing healthy pregnancies and more pop up literally every day. If you are one of those people, cherish it.  Don't complain about your stretch marks, wide hips, morning sickness, etc...because I would kill to have any or all of these.

I won't go into a ton of details, because Chris is a private person and I respect his feelings as my husband.  But I feel like I want to share my story so that if people see me and I seem a little "off" they will hopefully be able to understand why...

Back in September Chris and I got our first positive pregnancy test on our 8 year anniversary.  I was SO overjoyed that I called Chris at work hysterically crying and shaking.  We were going to have our family we dreamed about.  Unfortunately that dream was short-lived and on October 1st when we went in for our 8 week ultrasound we found out that the baby had stopped growing at seven weeks.  Shocked and devastated can't even begin to describe how we both felt.  I had a D&C two days later and then I was left to recover physically and worse, emotionally.

We found out I was pregnant again on January 10th.  This time when I found out I cried, but not with happiness.  The fear and doubt from having a miscarriage was definitely present.  This time we only told my mom because I needed emotional support from her and Chris.  We were able to schedule an ultrasound a little bit earlier this time and thankfully my sister had Gage while I waited anxiously for my appointment, so that was a welcomed blessing and distraction.  I had back pain for about four days leading up to my appointment, so I had little hope going into our ultrasound this time.  Sadly, my instincts were right and when we went in at 7 weeks we found out I had miscarried.  I had my second D&C on Friday and am now recovering...again.

I can't even begin to describe how I have been feeling.  Miscarriage and infertility seem to be such a taboo topic and I guess I can see why.  When someone asks me "Do you want children?" or "When are you guys going to have kids?" I feel bad responding with "I wanted kids months ago.  We were/are trying to have kids.  I've had two miscarriages."  I don't want to make anyone else feel awkward or bad, but now that I have experienced not one, but two miscarriages in a row I may start responding that way.  Let me give you a little piece of advice, don't ask people these questions.  You have NO idea what they are going through or struggling with.  On the outside I may look like I'm okay, I've got it together, and I'm moving on.  But inside I have been feeling devastated, broken, frustrated, scared, sad, angry, confused and so many more emotions!

I am terrified to get pregnant again.  It would be so much easier to just stop trying and live my life with Chris and Bauer.  The thought alone of having a third miscarriage literally gives me an anxiety attack.  The problem is, I can't see my life without kid(s). 

Fortunately by chance my first D&C was scheduled with a doctor I had never met and she has turned out to be such a blessing.  She is a wonderful doctor who has been so understanding and proactive.  There are some sources that say recurrent miscarriage should not be diagnosed until you have had three in a row and some say two in a row.  Thankfully, our doctor has diagnosed me with recurrent miscarriage after two.  This has allowed us to move forward with some preliminary testing so that we can *hopefully* get some answers.  However, the statistics say that only about 50% of couples ever find a reason for the miscarriages.

I am cautiously hopeful that one day Chris and I will have our baby.  I now realize and am beginning to accept the fact that the road ahead may be bumpy with a lot of turns, but as of right now I am so determined that come hell or high water we will have our baby.....one day.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother.  She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart throbs."  -Anon